STEVE’S WINTER
BREAK

An original screenplay

By

Jeremiah Lee

&

Brian Metzler











































Copyright 2007 Eclips Studios, Remnant Pictures. email eclips.jer@gmail.com. Blog: www.eclipsmoviesite.blogspot.com.
Scene Index

Pg 03: SCENE 1 - SCHOOL SCENE. -school
Pg 03: SCENE 2 – STEVE’S UNHAPY SCENE. – steve’s house
Pg 04: SCENE 3 – BRIAN’S HOUSE. –Brians house
Pg 05: SCENE 4 – INSIDE BRIAN’S HOUSE -Brians house
Pg 08: SCENE 5 – COBURN’S SCENE -Conurns
Pg 10: SCENE 6 – STEVE TALKING ABOUT SNOW -Steve’s house
Pg 10: SCENE 7 – STEVE MAKING A SNOW MAKER. -Steve’s house
Pg 10: SCENE 8 – JOSE AT STEVE’S HOUSE -Steve’s house
Pg 11: SCENE 9 – JOSE AT BRIAN’S HOUSE –Brian’s house
Pg 13: SCENE 10 – STEVE FINISHES SNOW MAKER -Steve’s house
Pg 13: SCENE 11 – STEVE MAKING SNOW – NIGHT - our house
Pg 13: SCENE 12 – STEVE WAITS FOR SNOW JOBS – MORNING – Steve’s house
Pg 13: SCENE 13 – BRIAN TRIES TO DO WORK AT JEFF’S HOUSE – Jeff’s house
Pg 14: SCENE 14 – AUSTIN MAKING BOMBS – rec center
Pg 14: SCENE 15 – STEVE TALKS AND CLEANS SHED - Steve’s house back yard
Pg 15: SCENE 16 – SNAP FITNESS – Snap Fitness
Pg 15: SCENE 17 – STEVE SHOVELS BRIAN’S DRIVEWAY – Brian’s house
Pg 17: SCENE 18 – PINE TREE LOT – Save a Lot parking lot
Pg 17: SCENE 19 – SNAP FITNESS SCENE 2 –Snap Fitness
Pg 17: SCENE 20 – FUN AT McDONALD’S – McDonald’s
Pg 18: SCENE 21 – STEVE SUMMARIZES DAY – Steve’s house
Pg 19: SCENE 22 – BRIAN IN CAR WITH SPEED GUN - Street
Pg 20: SCENE 23 – STEVE BRUSHING TEETH – Steve’s house
Pg 20: SCENE 24 – STEVE’S BREAKFAST SCENE – Moline’s or Nesser’s
Pg 21: SCENE 25 – STEVE SHOVELING MORE DRIVEWAYS – neighbors house
Pg 22: SCENE 26 – STEVE ASKS HIS DAD WHAT HE WANTS FOR X-MAS - Molines
Pg 22: SCENE 27 – DANNY WRITING OUT INVITES - Ruters
Pg 22: SCENE 28 – NATE TALKING ON PHONE – Nate’s place
Pg 23: SCENE 29 – DODGE BALL PARTY - Ruter’s gym.
Pg 25: SCENE 30 – BIKER IN HOUSE\ Dodgeball party continues –Ruter’s
Pg 27: SCENE 31 – JON’S BURRITO SCENE Chipotles, taco Bell, taco jon
Pg 28: SCENE 32 – STEVE’S SHOPPING SCENE – Mall in Albertville
Pg 28: SCENE 33 – STEVE SHOVELS A DRIVEWAY REALLY FAST - neighbors
Pg 28: SCENE 34 – BRIAN STORES LOOT AT JEFF’S HOUSE – Jeff’s
Pg 29: SCENE 35 – MITCH & JOE’S BIKE SCENE – Froemming’s
Pg 29: SCENE 36 – STEVE’S GIFT WRAPPING SCENE Steve’s
Pg 30: SCENE 37 – STEVE & AUSTIN’S RUN IN WITH A COP – rec center
Pg 32: SCENE 38 – LIBRARY SCENE - library
Pg 33: SCENE 39 – STEVE ALMOST GETS KILLED BY BRANNON’S CAR SCENE road
Pg 34: SCENE 40 – STEVE INTRODUCES WWII SCENE – steve’s house
Pg 34: SCENE 41 – WWII BATTLE SCENE – rice’s
Pg 34: SCENE 42 – STEVE’S RANDOM SCENE Steve’s house
Pg 35: SCENE 43 – STEVE PUTS ENVELOPES IN BOX – post office
Pg 36: SCENE 44 – MARLIN POSTING POLITICAL SIGNS – side of road
Pg 37: SCENE 45 – LANDON DELIVERING PAPERS – Ruter’s neighborhood
Pg 38: SCENE 46 - ABANDONED BUILDING SCENE/BUBBA COLA SCENE Save-lot
Pg 40: SCENE 47 – STEVE SEE’S WANTED POSTER IN POST OFFICE Post office
Pg 40: SCENE 48 – JOSE GETS ARRESTED street
Pg 41: SCENE 49 – ICE RINK SCENE – ice rink
Pg 41: SCENE 50 – MARLIN BUYS A SLED house, sledding hill
Pg 42: Scene 51 – STEVE GOES TO McDONALD’S AT 5 – McDonald’s
Pg 44: SCENE 52 – BRIAN READS TABLOID/STEVE CHASES BRIAN – Brian’s
Pg 48: SCENE 53 - MR. BOBO IN BANK SCENE - Bank
Pg 49: SCENE 54 – STEVE WRAPS THINGS UP – Steve’s
Pg 49: Lines for actors during credits
The movie starts out like any ordinary boring movie, with intro music and titles and stuff. As the title is being displayed, Steve Anderson appears on camera. He is at school, thinking about what to do during Christmas break. Intermediately show shots of him at class between titles.

SCENE 1 - SCHOOL SCENE.

STEVE is at school. CU of Steve at desk. Cut to MCU as he’s writing something down. Cut to CU of the picture of Brannon’s car he drew on paper. He wrote “Winter Break” above car. Cross-fade to Brannon’s car speeding down road. Title “Steve’s Winter Break” will display above car. Cut to MWS of Steve walking down school hall. Cut to CU of BRANNON in car, driving at a fast pace. Cut to shot of Steve exciting school building. Cut to MS of Brannon’s car going past cam. Cut to MS of Steve getting on old junky bike. Cut to shot of Brannon’s car. Cut to WS of Steve biking down side of narrow road. Then cut to shot of Brannon speeding down same road at 113MPH. Cut back to shot of Steve, then back to Brannon. Finally, Brannon speeds right toward Steve, forcing him off the road and into a big mud puddle. His books and stuff get all muddy. Steve jumps up.
STEVE
(really angry)
You big loser!

Freeze shot of Steve yelling at Brannon. Then the narrator, Dave, comes on.
NARRATOR DAVE
This is Steve. He is an ordinary boy, who lives an ordinary life, and goes to an ordinary school. But he’s not happy. Why isn’t he happy? because…

STEVE
WAIT A MINUTE! THIS MY MOVIE, SO I WANT TO TELL IT MY WAY!

SCENE 2 – STEVE’S UNHAPY SCENE.

CU of Steve looking directly into cam.

STEVE
(look into cam)
It’s almost Christmas, but I’m not happy. I need money for Christmas gifts, but I’m broke. It’s almost Christmas, and I don’t even own a helicopter. Why am I not happy? Well, it all stared a long, long, long time ago.

(show shot of Steve as a baby drooling like Niagara Falls)

STEVE
OK, maybe not that long ago. It started a long, long time
ago. About two weeks ago. I wanted to make some money for gifts, so I went door to door shoveling driveways for some of the local yokels…





SCENE 3 – BRIAN’S HOUSE.

Steve knocks on a few doors, then ends up at BRIAN’S house. He buzzes the door bell and gets an electric shock. He then bangs on the door. After a while, Brian comes to the door.

BRIAN
People!

STEVE
Hi. I’m Steve. Can I shovel your driveway?

BRIAN
No.

STEVE
Please?

BRIAN
No.

Steve doesn’t know what to say, so they stand there for a while looking at each other awkwardly.
BRIAN
This is awkward.

STEVE
So is your hair. What’s your name?

BRIAN
Brian.

STEVE
Ok, uh Brian…Can I call you Brian?

BRIAN
No.

STEVE
Hello, Bill. This is pretty much the worst Christmas of my entire life. I don’t even have a Mitsubishi or a yacht.

BRIAN
(rubbing eyes, like your fake crying)
Bo-Hoo!

STEVE
I’ve been out all morning, and haven’t shoveled a single driveway. Plus, my goldfish died. I flushed him down the toilet, though.

BRIAN
(looking around)
Well, do you see any snow around here?

STEVE
Well, do you expect me to wait tell it snows to shovel?

BRIAN
Yeahhhhhh.

STEVE
If I wait tell it snows, I’ll never get my private jet! Idiot!

BRIAN
(fake crying)
Well, come inside and wash my dishes.

STEVE
Will I get paid?

BRIAN
Of course not! Idiot!

STEVE VOICE INTERRUPTING
This is taking forever. I’ll fast forward to the good part.

Fast forward as they go inside.

SCENE 4 – INSIDE BRIAN’S HOUSE
Brian comes up the stairs and tosses a few darts at the dart board.

STEVE
(voice coming from the landing)
Where can I put my coat?

BRIAN
On the stairs.

STEVE
Uh…OK.

Brian tosses a few more darts.
STEVE
Where can I put my boots?

BRIAN
On the stairs.

STEVE
Uh…OK.

Brian tosses a few more darts.

STEVE
Where can I put my hat and gloves?

BRIAN
On the stairs.

STEVE
Uh…OK.

Steve finally comes up the stairs.

STEVE
I’m hungry.

BRIAN
OK. Good for you.

They stand there awkwardly for a few minutes.

STEVE
Uh…can you get me something?

BRIAN
No.

They stare at each other for a few more minutes.

BRIAN
OK. Have a seat.

Steve looks around. The couch is covered in junk, the chairs are covered in junk, and pretty much everything is covered in junk.

STEVE
Where?

BRIAN
(in kitchen now)
Where What?

STEVE
Where can I sit?

BRIAN
On the couch?

STEVE
OK.

Steve shoves the junk off the couch and sits down. Brian is in the kitchen and hears the junk tumbling to the ground. He comes running into the living room.
STEVE
What are you doing?

STEVE
Taking a seat.

BRIAN
Whatever. You like pop?

STEVE
You bet.

BRIAN
Good. Here’s some candy, and here’s some pop.

He hands him an empty pop can and a bag of melted chocolate. Brian sits down on the couch and takes a bite of a delicious looking sub sandwich.


BRIAN
Ummmm! This is soooo good!

Show shot of Steve looking longingly at the sub.

BRIAN
Yumm! Oh, delicious!

Show another shot of Steve eyeing sub.

BRIAN
Oh, the best!

Steve looks at bottle and tosses it behind him. Add sound effect of BREAKING GLASS.
BRIAN
My neighbors are nuts!

STEVE
Wow. That’s random.

BRIAN
Yeah, My 40 year old neighbors ding-dong ditched my house twice last night.

STEVE
They’re forty and they ding-dong ditched your house?

BRIAN
Actually, I think they’re like forty or fifty or eighty.

STEVE
Did you call the cops.

BRIAN
Of course I did. They never showed up or did anything.

STEVE
Typical.

BRIAN
It’s all a conspiracy. They never do anything but drink coffee, eat doughnuts, and protect the bad guys.

STEVE
Wow. Were they drunk?

BRIAN
Who the cops? Of course they were.(slight pause)
Oh, you mean the neighbors? yeah they were drunk to. Drunk and on drugs.

STEVE
This is crazy.



BRIAN
I hooked my door bell up to an 80 volt electric current so they’ll get zapped if they do they ever do it again.

Add DOOR BELL RINGING sound effect and a BUZZER sound effect. Have someone yell.
BRIAN
See, there they go again.

Show WS through Brian’s window as drunk people run off.

STEVE
They’re stupid enough to do it in broad daylight?

BRIAN
They think it’s night. They tried to get high off of super glue once, but ended up gluing their eyeballs shut.

STEVE
That’s random.

BRIAN
Absolutely.

BRIAN
(start rambling)
Have you seen gas prices lately? It’s way too expensive. I pay way too much for gas. I think A-Rod is way over rated. Why pay 30 million for a loser who can’t hit in the post season? If Hillary wants to run for president, I think maybe that’s an indication on how messed up society is.

As Brian is rambling on about random things, Steve plugs his ears, muting the soundtrack.
STEVE
Ok, this is dumb. Cut to next scene.

CUT TO:

SCENE 5 – COBURN’S SCENE
Steve walks up to Coburns.
STEVE
Here I am at Coburn’s.

Show MS as Steve walks over to a bell ringer.

STEVE
Dude, do you like get to stand there and ring that bell all day? That’s so totally awesome! Man, that bell is so amazing!

Shot of ringer standing there, staring at Steve.

STEVE
How much do you get paid for doing that?

BELL RINGER
It’s all volunteer work(ad lib)
STEVE
Have a nice day and don’t spend all your earnings in one place.
(walk into store)

STEVE
(looking into camera)
I wonder if they have any uranium in here?(or some other random thing along that line)

Steve walks around, eating free samples. He then grabs a shopping cart, goes to the toothpaste isle, and shoves all the cartons of paste into his cart. Cut to shot of employee. He walks up to manager.

EMPLOYEE
Well, look who’s back. The toothpaste nut.

MANAGER
I thought I told you to hide the tooth paste in isle 3?

EMPLOYEE
That’s where the toilet plungers are hidden.

Steve wheels cart up to the layaway.

STEVE
Is this the layaway?

CASHIER
We don’t have layaway.

STEVE
Good. Then I’ll pay for this one tube now and buy the rest after I find that gold mine.

Steve leaves store. Fast forward as he walks across parking lot. Then he sees a bunch of abandoned buildings.

STEVE
(looking into cam)
Now what am I supposed to do?
(he bends down and picks up script)
It looks to me like these buildings are abandoned. Odd. That is very peculiar.
(looks into cam again)
Hmm, maybe Brian’s right. The Police are helping the bad guys. That’s why everyone’s moving out. This must be a high crime area!
(Steve tears off. Wait a few minutes, then he runs back.

STEVE
Forgot to turn off the camera.
(reach over and turn camera off)






SCENE 6 – STEVE TALKING ABOUT SNOW
Steve is sitting in front of camera, looking at it.

STEVE
It’s the second day of Christmas break, and I haven’t found any work or shoveled a single driveway.

Cut as he moves.
STEVE
Man! I’m never gonna get that Mitsubishi!

He changes seats again.
STEVE
Plus, all the snow melted off the driveways, so I can’t shovel until it snows again.

Steve moves again.
STEVE
I gotta come up with another way to make money.

SCENE 7 – STEVE MAKING A SNOW MAKER.

Steve is inside house making a snow maker from an old wet dry vac and some bits of paper.
STEVE
(speaking into camera)
Well, I’ve been working ALL night on this snow maker. If I want to shovel any driveways this week, I’ll need to make my own snow.

Cut outside as a Service Lighting truck pulls up. JOSE LUCIANO walks up to the door and dings the doorbell. Cut back to Steve

STEVE
I’m just about ready to see if it works.

Steve hears door bell ringing.

STEVE
I’d better get that first.

Cut as Steve goes to the door.

SCENE 8 – JOSE AT STEVE’S HOUSE
JOSE
Hey dude, I’m José Luciano from Service Lighting. Here’s my card.

Jose pulls a baseball card out and hands it to Steve.

JOSE
Whoops. Wrong card. Here’s my business card.

Jose hands Steve his business card. Steve studies card.

STEVE
(reading card)
Jose Luciano, president? It says your president of the company.

JOSE
I had my bro do the cards up. He don’t know much.
STEVE
I see.

Steve puts card in his pocket.

JOSE
We’re having a huge winter sale on all our bulbs. Discount prices up to seventy-three percent off. Would you like to buy some?

STEVE
No way Jose.

JOSE
Just think of the money you’ll be saving. You’ll never find these deals any where else.

STEVE
Not even Menards?

JOSE
Nope.

STEVE
Home Depot?

JOSE
Nope.

STEVE
Bob’s Lighting Factory?

JOSE
Yeah, you’ll find better prices there, but they’re owned by my second cousins nieces brother in law. If you buy my bulbs right now, I’ll throw in a partially eaten Krispy Kreme Doughnut for free.

STEVE
Sweet. I’ll buy a pallet.

Cut to shot of Jose walking off.

JOSE
That was easy.

Cut to:

SCENE 9 – JOSE AT BRIAN’S HOUSE
Brian and Jose are standing at doorway.

JOSE
Come on, these are the best bulbs on the planet.

BRIAN
Nope.

JOSE
Just one small package?

BRIAN
Nope.

JOSE
I’ll throw in 11 uneaten Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

BRIAN
Nope.

JOSE
I just sold a whole pallet full to my last customer. And he’s REALLY happy with the bulbs.

Cut to shot of Steve staring at the pallet of bulbs, scratching his head.
STEVE
Now, what am I gonna do with all these?

Cut back to Brian’s house.

JOSE
Buy them now, and they’ll be 79% off.

BRIAN
Nope.

JOSE
Come on man! Ya gotta stick with the program here! You gotta buy these bulbs.

BRIAN
Really!? Like, wow.

JOSE
Come on! I’m never gonna get my sales quota for today.

BRIAN
(fake crying and rubbing eyes)
Well that’s to bad!

Jose walks off.
JOSE
Some people are so hard to deal with.

Cut to Brian.
BRIAN
Now that’s how you deal with pesky
Salesmen.

Cut back to Steve.




SCENE 10 – STEVE FINISHES SNOW MAKER


STEVE
Well, I figured out what to do with those bulbs. Now back to the snow maker.

Steve tinkers around a little, then flips the switch. Snow starts to shoot out.
STEVE
Perfect!

Cut to:

SCENE 11 – STEVE MAKING SNOW - NIGHT

Steve is standing on a driveway covering it with fake snow from the snowmaker.
STEVE
Only a few more driveways to go, and I’ll be rich in the morning!

Steve walks up to the door holding a business card with his number on it.
STEVE
When the owner of this house goes to get the paper in the morning, he’ll see all the snow on the driveway. He’ll say “Wow! It snowed last night! I’d better hire someone to clear the snow for me.”

Steve puts card on door.

STEVE
They’ll see my card with my number, and they’ll call me and have me do it! It’s like free money except I have to work for it!

SCENE 12 – STEVE WAITS FOR SNOW JOBS – MORNING

Steve is sitting on a chair, holding his cell phone, waiting for someone to call. Cut to him looking at watch, twitting his fingers, reading a book. Finally he gets up.

STEVE
I’ve been waiting for three hours and forty two minutes and nobody called with a snow shoveling job!

Steve walks out the door. The thermometer shows 42 degrees.

STEVE
All the snow melted!

CUT TO:

SCENE 13 – BRIAN TRIES TO DO WORK AT JEFF’S HOUSE
Brian pulls up in front of Jeff’s house in his awesome totally decked out sweet pickup truck with XM radio and all those bells and whistles. Brian is wearing tee that has picture of squirrel holding sign that says “will work for seed”. Brian runs up to house. Jeff comes to the door.
BRIAN
Hello I’m Brian Metzler from Priced Right Construction. Here’s my card(zoom in on card) I noticed you need a new laundry room sink. Is there any other work you need done around your house?

JEFF
(totally distracted look, Does quarter joke, and acts like he never even heard Brian.)
Jeff does stuff like blood joke, the fake Rolex joke, shows Brian his “800 dollar” bike, etc. Talk about random things like his job. After a while, Jeff randomly says:
JEFF
Remember, that’s 200 drops of red food coloring.

Then, they both look at the camera.

BRIAN
How long has that camera been there?

JEFF
I don’t know.

BRIAN
The cops are spying on me this very minute! I just know it! I can feel it!

Then, Brian turns around, runs into his truck, grabs a ginormous sledge hammer, and destroys the camera.

CUT TO:

SCENE 14 – AUSTIN MAKING BOMBS

Austin and his brothers are making bombs with coke bottles and mentos.

NARRATOR DAVE
This is Austin. He is an ordinary boy, who lives an ordinary life, drives an ordinary car, goes to…

Steve sticks his head in and interrupts the scene.

STEVE
This is my movie! Why do you keep interrupting! I want to tell it my way!

Turn back into movie mode.

SCENE 15 – STEVE TALKS AND CLEANS SHED

STEVE
Three days have gone by and I still haven’t shoveled any driveways. That may be due to the fact that it hasn’t snowed yet, although I don’t if snow is necessary to shovel driveways…

Steve glances out window. It’s snowing lightly. He sees the shed. He then runs down to the shed. He starts to open the door, then remembers the camera. He runs back inside and turns the camera off. Start next scene as he’s turning camera on. Then he remembers he forgot the keys, so he runs off and gets them. Then he opens the shed, and starts rummaging through it. The viewer isn’t supposed to know what’s happening. Keep camera in same spot throughout the entire scene. Every once in a while, he runs up to the camera and says something hilarious like:

STEVE
I shoulda started this in August!

And
STEVE
(Holding firework)
Boy, it’s like the fourth of July in September except its December!

And
STEVE
(running up with a toy truck)
I haven’t seen this truck for one or two or fourteen years!
(then he starts to play with it, and loses track of time.)

Then, he goes back to work. All the while, it’s getting darker and darker. Finally, it’s so dark you can’t see anything. He grabs some lights and sets them up. Finally, after a long time, he finishes the job: He gets to the back of the shed and grabs the shovel.

STEVE
(looking into camera)
This is what I’m after!

Then he runs off.

CUT TO:

SCENE 16 – SNAP FITNESS
Steve is walking down the road with his shovel. He walks by Snap Fitness and looks inside. He sees a scrawny looking guy working out. The guy bends down, and starts to pile a bunch of weights on a weight bar. He bends down, and tries to lift it up. Cut to scene of weight lifter trying to lift a weight bar above his head, with beads of sweat dripping down his forehead. He slowly does one rep, then two, then more and more. Slowly, Zoom out, and show that there are no weights on the bar. Cut back to the scrawny weight lifter, trying to lift the weight bar laden with weights up. Finally, his arms snap off. His arms stay attached to the weights. Cut back to scene of Steve outside window.

STEVE
Ah! So Thaaaaats why it’s called SNAP fitness. (He continues to amble down the street.)

SCENE 17 – STEVE SHOVELS BRIAN’S DRIVEWAY
Steve around the neighborhood where Brian lives, then he finds his house at 4:00 a.m. (cut to watch showing the time)




STEVE
I’ve been wondering around Brian’s neighborhood for like two hours and I’ve finally found his house. It’s always harder to find things if your looking for them.

Steve knocks on Brian’s door.

Brian
(opens door)
What.

STEVE
Well, it snowed. I’m here to shovel your driveway

BRIAN
No!

STEVE
I’m charging less because it’s not a holiday.

BRIAN
No!

STEVE
But I’m never going to get enough money to go to Bermuda!

BRIAN
No!

STEVE
Please?

BRIAN
Fine, Whatevvvvver. Just get your rear in gear.

Steve starts shoveling driveway.

STEVE
(whistle)

Brian comes out of door.

BRIAN
Hey! Less jaw work and more paw work!

STEVE
What?

BRIAN
Stop whistling! It bugs me!

BRIAN
(looking at camera)
Kids these days!



STEVE
Wow, all this work for only ten bucks. I don’t think it’ll be enough to buy that plasma TV…

Steve continues to shovel. Fast forward through entire driveway.

Brian comes out to inspect the work. He points out all the mistakes Steve made. Steve gets bored and plugs both ears, muting the sound.

STEVE
(talking to cam)
This will take even longer! Peace out.

Cut to:

SCENE 18 – PINE TREE LOT
A Little kid, Pierce, is lost in a pine forest. He looks around, trying to find his way out.
PIERCE
(looking around nervously)
I’m lost

Cut to WS as he turns head, looking around.

PIERCE
I’ll never get out of this huge forest!

Cut to CU as he looks around some more. Cut to MS as he walks out of the trees. Cut to WS as he walks toward camera.

PIERCE
That Christmas tree lot was gimongous!
CUT TO:

SCENE 19 – SNAP FITNESS SCENE 2
Steve is walking down the street, with a shovel. He walks up to Snap Fitness.
STEVE
(looking up at SNAP sign)
Hmmm…

He walks in, and sees everyone snapping their fingers. As he’s walking out, he says:
STEVE
Now why would anyone do that?

He continues to walk down the street.

SCENE 20 – FUN AT McDONALD’S
Steve arrives at McDonald’s.
STEVE
Even though I generally won’t eat here, I’ll do it once every blue moon.

He Walks in.
AJ
Would you like a burger?
STEVE
Of course I don’t want a fat cake!

AJ
Would you like some fries to go with it?

STEVE
Uh! Idiot!

Steve then walks into the eating part of the joint. He sits down and does something totally random, like emptying a bag of salt into his mouth. After a little while, some guy sitting behind him coughs. Steve walks over to him.
STEVE
Did you cough just now?

GUY
Wha…?

STEVE
It is possible you have tuberculosis, although I’m not sure I know the symptoms. Do you?

GUY
No, I don’t…

STEVE
Good, cuz’ I don’t either.

The guy looks down at his burger, and is about to put it into his mouth, but then glances up at Steve and sees him looking at him. The Fat Guy clears his throat.
STEVE
You don’t know how unhealthy McDonalds burgers are, do you? Why, thousands of people die every day! Clogged arteries…

The guy gets up and leaves, glaring at Steve. After he leaves Steve pumps his fist.
STEVE
(excited)
Yes!

He sits down and gobbles the burger up. Cut to:

SCENE 21 – STEVE SUMMARIZES DAY
Steve is sitting in front of the camera.

STEVE
All in all, it was a pretty good day. I made some money, got a free burger, made a miniature Taj Ma Hall out of used dental floss, sculpted Elves out of used tooth picks, and finished the left over alligator-brain soup from the back of the fridge. All in all I’m happy with the way the day turned out.

Steve then leans back in his chair. The chair slips, and Steve lands on head, getting knocked unconscious. Cut.

CUT TO:
SCENE 22 – BRIAN IN CAR WITH SPEED GUN
Brian is sitting in his truck on the side of the road wearing phony cop hat.
BRIAN
(talking into camera)
You know, the Cops never do anything about speeders. They let them have the run of the place. So I’m here to do something about it.

He reaches down and grabs a hair dryer.

BRIAN
This, is my radar gun. No, actually it isn’t; it’s a hair dryer, but speeders won’t be able to tell the difference.

Brian looks out window and follows a car with the dryer.

BRIAN
Nope, he’s not speeding.

Another car drives past.

BRIAN
Nope, he’s not speeding.

Another car goes past.

BRIAN
Nope, he’s not speeding.


Suddenly, Brannon’s Mitsubishi speeds by.

BRIAN
Yup, he’s speeding.
(pause)
Wait a minute! A speeder! That guy musta been doin’ ninety!

Brian throws down hair dryer and takes off after car. Show MS as Brannon’s car speeds past then Brian’s truck goes speeding past. Cut to CU of Brannon.
BRANNON
I gotta lose this guy.

BRIAN
I can’t lose this guy!

Show CU of Brannon’s foot slamming down on the gas peddle. Show CU of the speedometer needle jumping from 87 to 106.

BRIAN
Man, I wish I woulda bought that Corvette!

BRANNON
Boy, I’m glad I bought this Mitsubishi!

Show a few more scenes of the high speed chase. Then cut to CU of Brian as he sees a Krispy Kreme Doughnut sign.

BRIAN
Krispy Kreme Doughnuts! That reminds me; I’m hungry!

Cut to MS of Brian walking out of doughnut shop, munching on a doughnut.
BRIAN
No wonder why cops are always eating doughnuts! Driving at high speeds makes me hungry!

Cut to:

SCENE 23 – STEVE BRUSHING TEETH
Steve is brushing his teeth. He grabs about twenty tooth brushes and sets them on bathroom counter. Then he grabs twenty different tubes of tooth paste, and squirts a different kind on each tooth brush. Then he picks up the first tooth brush in line, brushes teeth with it, then grabs the next one, and so on down the line until he uses all twenty tooth brushes. Brian pokes his head in the bathroom door.

BRIAN
What are you doing?

STEVE
Brushing my teeth. What does it look like?

BRIAN
Ah, wasting a gazillion tooth brushes.

STEVE
Huh. That’s what you think. I’m actually using a technique called
“brushing with many bushes” It’s far more effective then using a single brush.

BRIAN
I wouldn’t do that in a trillion years!

Cut to shot of Brian at his house brushing teeth with seven brushes at once.

Cut to:
SCENE 24 – STEVE’S BREAKFAST SCENE – next morning.
Breakfast at Steve’s house. Steve talks to camera.

STEVE
This is breakfast at our house. A lot of random things happen,
so don’t get freaked out if you feel awkward.

His dad is Robert. Steve sits at the dinner table. Robert sit’s down and gets a huge bowl, and fills it with 3 kinds of cereal, marshmallows, sugar and all sorts of stuff. Gabe, his brother, sits down at table, eating a whole pepperoni pizza. Robert grabs huge spoon and starts to eat. Steve is eating a bowl of ice cream. All three of them have a gallon jug of milk by their place, and at one point all three of them take a swig at the same time. There is a massive jar of pickles on the table, and they reach in, grab a pickle, then chop it up and put it in the cereal, ice cream, and on the pizza.

STEVE
Your eating pizza for breakfast? That’s random.

ROBERT
Yeah, Gabe left his brain on the wrong side of the bed this morning. So, what are you boys gonna do today?

GABE
Can I borrow the chainsaw? I need to clean my room.

ROBERT
I see that Gabe got off the short-bus this morning.

STEVE
Well, I’m gonna shovel some more driveways.

Cut to:
SCENE 25 – STEVE SHOVELING MORE DRIVEWAYS
Steve is outside, walking down a street with a shovel. He walks up to a house, and knocks at door. A grumpy old man answers door.

MAN
There’s one thing I hate and that’s a nosy person! Now beat it!

He reaches inside and grabs a shot gun. Steve backs off slowly.

MAN
Come on! Get lost! Or do I have to slip you some hot lead as a convincer?

Steve darts off the guys yard. He walks a little, breathing hard, then goes up to another house. A cheerful man answers.

GUY
Lovely mornin’, aint’t it? Well, I guess it’s not lovely, but it not bad either. No, cone to think of it, it is bad.
No, maybe not.

STEVE
Um, could I shovel your driveway, sir?

GUY
Ordinarily, I’d do it myself, save myself a buck or to, but ever since I got back replacement surgery, shoveling isn’t what it used to be. Sure, go right ahead.

STEVE
Thank you, sir.

Steve starts to shovel. Show rapid shots of him shoveling different houses.



SCENE 26 – STEVE ASKS HIS DAD WHAT HE WANTS FOR X-MAS
Steve walks up to his driveway counting money that he made. As he reaches driveway, he shoves the money in his pocket. A car is in the driveway, and his Dad, Robert, is working on it.

STEVE
Hey Dad, what do you want for Christmas?

ROBERT
(mumbling)
Stupid car. Uh, what was that?

Steve scribbles “new car” on list.

STEVE
I’m writing out a Christmas list. What do you want?

ROBERT
Uhhh…Don’t interrupt me now, son. I can’t work and think at the same time.

Steve scribbles “new brain” on list, then tosses the list on the ground and walks off. His Dad reaches over, picks the list up, and shakes his head. Steve then finds Gabe, and asks him what he wants for Christmas. Cut to:

SCENE 27 – DANNY WRITING OUT INVITES

Danny is sitting at table, writing out invitations for a dodge ball/pizza party. He runs out to mail box and mails them. Cut to:

SCENE 28 – NATE TALKING ON PHONE
This is a random scene of someone talking on cell phone.

NATE HENDERSON
Yep.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Sure.
Yup.
Definitely.
All right.

Nate shuts cell phone, then looks at camera.

NATE
Well, that was a positive conversation.

Cut to:








SCENE 29 – DODGE BALL PARTY - Ruter’s gym.
WS of everyone arriving at party. Steve Arrives, and walks up to camera and looks into it.




STEVE
Here we are, at the Ruter’s Gym for some intense dodge ball action. As I want to keep this a G rated show, I will refrain from showing the gory after affects of a dodge ball getting hurled at someone at ninety miles an hour.
Trust me, it hurts. I’ve experienced it.

Steve and Austin arrive and give each other high fives. Austin walks off, and Steve looks into the cam.

STEVE
I want to have some fun.

Steve grabs a table and sets it up by the door. Someone walks in.

STEVE
(to person)
There’s a three dollar entrance fee for dodge ball.

PERSON
(shocked)
What?!
STEVE
Don’t worry; the money’ll go to a good cause. It’ll be used to remove the growth from Mrs. McNealy’s eyeball.

PERSON
Okay…
(hands over money)

Next person walks in and tries to go past.

STEVE
There’s a four dollar entrance for one hour of dodge ball. The money will be used to buy Ben a prosthetic arm.

GUY
(mumbling as he hands over cash)
I didn’t know he needed one.

Someone else walks in and walks by table.

STEVE
You gotta pay to play! The money will be used…

GUY
Not me, I play for free

Steve
Everyone pays, it’s for renovating the gym
GUY
Try and make me.

The guy punches Steve in the head. Steve jumps up.


STEVE
Cut that out! Cut that out!

Brian walks up to the door. He tries the knob, but it won’t open. Gabe, walks up behind him.
BRIAN
Sorry, no party. They locked us out.

Gabe walks up to door.
GABE
The door opens in.
(Gabe opens door.)

BRIAN
Uh… I keep forgetting.

Brian and Gabe walk in.
STEVE
You gotta pay 12 bucks to join the fun.

BRIAN
For both of us?

STEVE
Nope. For two or more the price is tripled.

BRIAN
(talking to Gabe)
Don’t worry bro, I printed some this morning. I’ll get both of us in.

Brian reaches in pocket and hands over a Monopoly 10 dollar bill.

BRIAN
Here you go. Keep the change.

STEVE
(rolls eyes)
Idiot!

Brian and Gabe walk into gym.

STEVE
(talking in camera)
Oh well, I think I made enough money for now. I’ll try my hand at dodge ball.

Cut to a random scene:




SCENE 30 – BIKER IN HOUSE

Person is riding on a bike. They are actually just in their house, with the back wheel propped up and a projector projecting scenery flashing by. To the viewer, it looks like they are actually biking outdoors, until they get off bike, and the scenery keeps flashing by.
They get a drink of water.


DUDE
Boy, that was an amazing bike trip! Dude, I musta gone like 1 or 2 or 38 miles!

Then he sticks a movie in the projector and starts watching it.

DUDE
Pay attention kids, this is the preferred method of exercising. It’s totally safe, its inside and you can watch a movie at the same time. Dodge ball is just not safe.

CUT BACK TO GYM
DANNY
Everyone line up against the wall! You might experience slight pain as a ball gets slammed into your face, but just remember: what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.

Everyone lines up, runs to the middle, grabs a ball, and starts hurling balls at each other. Jake walks up to Steve.

JAKE
Watch out for him. We call him the Bull. He throws hard.

Show shot of Ben ”The Bull” flexing ginormous bicep. Then he hurls a ball at Steve, and he lands flat at his back in a gruesome R rated manner. Then “The Bulls” team, all of whom are massively stronger than Steve’s team, start to belt balls at the opposition. Cut to scene of Steve looking into cam.
STEVE
As you can see, the odds are against us.

CUT TO:

Outside of gym. Jeff walks up to door and tries the knob.

JEFF
AH! They locked me out!

Cut back to indoor of gym. The awesome game continues.

CUT TO:

Outside of gym. Jeff is trying to peer into window.

JEFF
This fortress is heavily fortified!

Cut back to indoor scene as the action continues. Then cut back to rear of gym, where Jeff is trying the rear door. It opens.

JEFF
Yes! I got in!

Then SMACK! Jeff gets nailed by a dodge ball!

JEFF
AH! I’ve been hit!
Cut to shot of “The Bull” glaring at Jeff.

Cut to Steve, holding camera, looking into it, telling everyone how exciting it is.
STEVE
(looking into cam)
OK, as it stands, our team The Twinkies, have won zero games. Their team, The Predators, well, thay’ve won 48.

Cut to Austin as the Twinkies pin gets blown over.

AUSTIN
49.

BRIAN
Ta dahh! We won! We’re the best!

AUSTIN
What do you mean we won? You just knocked your own pin over! Idiot!

BRIAN
Well, that pin was easier to knock over then the one on the other side of the gym.

PERSON
(to someone)
Beware! I am a brain eating zombie! Don’t worry;
Your safe.

STEVE
Why does everyone keep interrupting my movie?

BRIAN
Movie? What Movie?
(glance at the camera)
AH! The camera’s here again!

Flash to Brian, Jeff, and Austin standing in side room. This scene is from Steve’s perspective. Steve walks up to Jeff.

STEVE
Brian, have you met Jeff yet? Have you met Austin yet? Have you met me yet?

BRIAN
Yes. No. No.

STEVE
Yeh huh! I shoveled your driveway! You know me!

BRIAN
I’m Bill.

STEVE
(rolls eyes)


Do Jeff, Austin and Brian dialog. Steve walks over to Danny.

STEVE
So I heard you wanna be a cop.

DANNY
This is crazy! How could you possibly know that! I haven’t told anyone yet! Can you read my mind?

STEVE
No, you posted it on MySpace.

Cut to next scene at party, where Steve and Austin are eating pizza.

AUSTIN
This pizza is wonderful!

STEVE
You would know. Your wearing most of it.
(he hands Austin a mirror)

AUSTIN
Hmm… lookin’ good.

CUT TO:

SCENE 31 – JON’S BURRITO SCENE
Jon Baxter is standing in front of camera.

JON
Hi, I’m Jon, and I’m in search of a bigger burrito.

Cut to shot of Jon walking out of Taco Bell, munching on a burrito, giving a thumbs down sign to camera. Cut to shot of Jon walking out of Chipotle’s, giving thumbs down to camera. Cut to shot of Jon walking out of Don Pablo’s, giving thumbs down to camera. Cut to shot of Jon walking out of Taco Johns, giving thumbs up to camera.

JON
I’ve finally found the perfect burrito, here at Taco Johns. And look, this joint is even named after me, so you know the foods gotta be excellent!





SCENE 32 – STEVE’S SHOPPING SCENE – day – Steve is shopping for Christmas gifts at mall.
STEVE
Well, I’ve finally got enough dough saved up to start my Christmas shopping. I think I have about one or two or ninety dollars. And remember, when Christmas shopping, you gotta realize it’s the thought that counts. That way, you can get a cheapy little gift for your bro, and still feel good about giving. That’s the way I do it, and I always have some cash leftover for my own stuff.

Cut to rapid shots of him going in and out of stores, buying stuff.

CUT TO:

SCENE 33 – STEVE SHOVELS A DRIVEWAY REALLY FAST
Steve goes up to house. The camera stays in same position throughout entire scene. He goes up to door, talks to person for a little bit, then goes back to end of driveway. He starts to shovel, but it takes for ever, so he pulls out an energy drink, guzzles it down, and then shovels the driveway super fast.

STEVE
(looking at camera)
This will increase productivity by 98.3752%
I’ll get many more driveways done and greatly increase my take home earnings.

CUT TO:

SCENE 34 – BRIAN STORES LOOT AT JEFF’S HOUSE
Brian pulls up to Jeff’s house in his truck. Brian jumps out and runs up to the door. Jeff comes to the door.

JEFF
So, what’s happenin’?

BRIAN
I need to leave this bag of stuff here.

JEFF
Why? Why can’t you leave it at your place?

BRIAN
Because I don’t want my neighbors to find it.

JEFF
Oh-kay…

BRIAN
Just till Christmas.

JEFF
Why?

BRIAN
Because my neighbors keep trying to break into my place, and the cops won’t do anything about it.
JEFF
(taking bag, walks inside)
Hold on a minute, there’s someone you gotta meet.

Brian stands there by the door awkwardly for an hour. He looks at watch, and it’s 4:09. then show watch again, and it’s 4:32, and then again, when it’s 5:07. Then Steve’s head pops on the screen.

STEVE
Little does Brian know it, but Jeff never comes back out with that mysterious person. After standing there awkwardly for exactly 58 ½ minutes, Brian heeds the rumblings of his stomach, and leaves.

Show Brian leaving. As he walks off camera, his cell phone rings.

BRIAN
Hey Jason. Yeah, works goin’ terrible, like usual. (blah, blah, blah, ad lib)

The camera will pan around, and find Brian. He glares at camera, and backs out of view of camera. The camera finds him again, and again he moves away from camera. The third time camera comes on him, he yells:

BRIAN
Would you cut that out! I’m carrying on a private conversation here!

Cut to:

SCENE 35 – MITCH & JOE’S BIKE SCENE - DAY
Mitch and Joe are jumping their super awesome bikes off a totally wicked looking 5 foot wood bike ramp. Show tons of different shots of them going of jump, wiping out, etc. Finally Joe hits the jump, and gets tons of air.

Cut to:

SCENE 36 – STEVE’S GIFT WRAPPING SCENE
Steve is wrapping gifts. He takes a piece of candy out of A bag.

STEVE
The rest of these are mine.

Then he wraps the candy in about 2½ inches of duck tape. Then, he puts that into small box, then puts that box into a bigger box, and so on until he has about 1 or 2 or 12 boxes in side each other.

STEVE
The fun of opening the gift far out ways the actual value of the gift. So theoretically, I’m coming out way ahead.

Cut back to bike jumping scene. The scene starts where Joe is frozen in the air, then Joe finally lands the bike.

JOE FROEMMING
Boy, I was in the air forever. I thought that scene was never gonna get done!
Cut to:
SCENE 37 – STEVE & AUSTIN’S RUN IN WITH A COP
Austin is blowing up bottle rockets. Austin and Steve are talking. As they talk, they arbitrarily send a missile into the air.

STEVE
You know that guy Brian?

AUSTIN
Yeah?

STEVE
He thinks cops are spurious.
AUSTIN
What does that mean?

STEVE
I have no idea. I just thought it sounded good right there.

AUSTIN
Well…do you believe him?

STEVE
Absolutely. I’ve never gotten into trouble with them, and that’s proof that they never do anything but drink coffee, eat doughnuts, and protect the bad guys.

Show a cop, Mr. Sullivan, standing there. Austin shoves the remaining bottle rockets into his pocket, and they take off running. The cop runs after them. A long chase scene ensues. Finally, the cop stops them.

STEVE
Why are you chasing us? We didn’t do anything wrong. As I far as AI know, it’s legal to launch fireworks in December in these parts.

COP
Why were you running?

AUSTIN
Ahhh…

STEVE
Um…

COP
If you weren’t doing anything wrong, why were you running?

STEVE
We got scared when you showed up. We thought we were in trouble for something.

COP
Well, your in a whole heap of trouble now.

AUSTIN
Really?


COP
You bet. I could take you to jail right now.

STEVE
Please don’t!

AUSTIN
Yeah, I don’t want to spend Christmas break in jail!

COP
The laws the law. Your going to jail bud.


STEVE
Me too?

COP
Yup. You too.

STEVE
(looking into camera)
Man, what an awkward situation this has become.
(talking to cop)
Is there any way I could convince you let us go right now?

COP
DO you have any beef jerky?

STEVE
No, but I have a whole boat load of light bulbs at home.

COP
I don’t need light bulbs!

STEVE
I have some of those special high IQ light bulbs. With them, you’ll never run out of bright ideas.

COP
OK. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t let you go, but since your giving me a bunch of bright idea bulbs, I’ll let you off the hook. Just next time a cop approaches you, don’t run.

AUSTIN
Oke dokey.

After cop leaves, Steve talks into camera.

STEVE
Ok, now I’m convinced. Cops are for real.

Cut to: Brian talking to camera.

BRIAN
There is no way cops are for real. I see them driving down the highway at 100MHP all the time.
Cut to:
SCENE 38 – LIBRARY SCENE
Steve goes to library.

STEVE
Hey Ben. Readin’ books?

BEN
Yup.

STEVE
Wow, what book is that? The Complete Guide to Turnips?
BEN
Yup.

STEVE
Sounds exciting.

BEN
Yup.

STEVE
Soooo…. Are you still working at Super America?

BEN
Yup.

STEVE
Wow. Boy, nice day out there.

BEN
Yup.

Steve turns to camera.
STEVE
Some people really need a thesaurus.

Steve turns back to Ben.
STEVE
Ben, let me show you a book you really need to study.

BEN
Where?

STEVE
Over here.

Steve brings Ben over to the Thesaurus and pulls it out.


STEVE
Right here.

BEN
What?

STEVE
A Thesaurus. This will increase your vocabulary so you can have a real conversation.
BEN
Huh?

Steve walks off.
STEVE
Well, that was my good deed for the day.

Cut to:


SCENE 39 – STEVE ALMOST GETS KILLED BY BRANNON’S CAR SCENE
WS of Steve walking down lonely road with a shovel over shoulder. Steve thinks he hears something, so he stops. Show CU of Steve as he puts a hand up to his ear and listens. He doesn’t hear anything, so he keeps going. Cut to crane shot as Brannon’s car approaches. Cut to CU as Steve whips his head around and sees the car approaching. Cut to MS as he dives off the road, narrowly missing the passing car. Cut to CU of Steve in car mirror, climbing out of ditch, covered in snow. Cut to MS as he gets up and yells at car. Cut to MCU as Brannon gives his girlfriend a high five. Steve yells at the car some more.

STEVE
You think your so hot driving your pink car! But your not hot! Your very un-hot! And so is your stupid car!

Steve picks up shovel and keeps walking. He stops.

STEVE
I wish I had that car.

Cut to WS as Steve is walking through a neighborhood. He sees Brannon’s car in his girlfriend’s driveway with the engine running. He tosses the shovel in a snow bank and jumps in the car and speeds off. Brannon is just leaving the house.
BRANNON
Hey!

Brannon runs after car, shouting. Cut to CU of Steve driving the car at a very rapid pace. The radio’s blaring. Show CU of the speedometer reading 120MPH.
STEVE
Yeah! I wish Brannon could see me now!

Then Steve is walking down the road again with his shovel over his shoulder.
STEVE
I wish.

Steve walks a little.
STEVE
I love that car.

Suddenly Brannon comes speeding toward him as Steve jumps in the snow bank again.

STEVE
I hate your lousy car!
Cut to CU of Brannon laughing hysterically.

Cut to:

SCENE 40 – STEVE INTRODUCES WWII SCENE
Show CU of Steve sleeping. Cut to CU of him in front of camera.

STEVE
You know, this film really needs something. It’s really boring me out. Is it boring you out?
Cut to:
SCENE 41 – WWII BATTLE SCENE
Show a WWII Battle combat scene, complete with bombs bursting, grenades gusting, and snipers sniping. Show a few minutes of awesome battle, and climb to a really exciting part of battle scene, when Steve arbitrarily pops his head into the screen.

STEVE
OK, enough of that. Now let’s get back to my film!

Cut to shot of Steve sitting on chair in front of cam.

STEVE
Well, Christmas is only 3 days away. I got most of my shopping done. To save time on shopping, and due to budget cutbacks, I only purchased a few gifts for key members of my family. In doing so, that will insure that I’ll get gifts from them.

SCENE 42 – STEVE’S RANDOM SCENE

Steve is talking into camera.

STEVE
Something really weird and random has been happening to me lately. Like, I suddenly find my self in the midst of a conversation, and I don’t know how I got there!

Cut to: Steve is standing by kid.

STEPHEN
So do you or don’t you?!

STEVE
Do I or don’t I what?

STEPHEN
AH! Your so annoying! Annonying and immature, just like what’s his face!
STEVE
Huh?

Cut to:
JOSH BRIST THE BULLY
Give it to me!

STEVE
Give you what!

JOSH
I told you a million times! Why don’t you listen to me!

STEVE
Huh?

JOSH
Your so dumb!
Josh punches him. Cut to:

MITCH JORGENSON
So how do I get there?

STEVE
Get where?

MITCH
(giving him weird look)
To where I’m going! Idiot!

STEVE
Huh?

MITCH
Ugh! You make me so mad!

Cut back to Steve talking into camera.

STEVE
See what I’m talking about! It’s so random!

Josh Henderson walks up to Steve.

Josh
Here, try these.

STEVE
(eating them)
Wow, I feel better already!

Cut to:

SCENE 43 – STEVE PUTS ENVELOPES IN BOX
WS of Post Office. Steve is standing in front of a blue mail box.

STEVE
I wonder how many envelopes I can fit into one of these things?
Show Steven shoving about 1 or 2 or 500 envelopes into mail slot. Finally, he finishes.
STEVE
Wow. 538. That’s gotta be some kinda record. I can’t wait to see the post-masters face when he sees all these blank envelopes in this doohickey.

Cut to:
POST MAN
(angry)
Now who put all these blank envelopes in this doohickey!?

Cut to:
SCENE 44 – MARLIN POSTING POLITICAL SIGNS
Marlin Sias is putting up political signs alongside the road. A car drives by, and slows then stops when he sees what Marlin is doing.

CAR DRIVER
Do you have permission from the city to do that?
MARLIN
This is a free country we live in! We have freedom of speech! The freedom to put political signs up alongside the road! It will be a sad day when man is no longer to post signs where he wishes. And yes, I spoke with the fine mayor a short time ago, and he granted me permission to post these signs.

DRIVER
Well, good for you.
Another car stops.
DUDE
Hey dude, it’s like totally wrong to put republican political signs up here!
Your like so gonna get it!

MARLIN
The topic of political freedom is one I am well versed in. If you wish, we may engage in a lengthy debate, or…

The dude speeds off. A cop stops.

COP MIKE SULLIVAN
Posting signs in these parts without an ordnance from the federal government will land you in the cling-cling for up to 80 days.

MARLIN
I am well aware of that, and have thus taken the proper precautions to prevent any unnecessary time in jail.

COP
Just remember to restrain from posting signs that slander parties of any certain political race.

Steve is wandering down the street thinking of ways to make money, then he notices all the political signs.



STEVE
So how could I make some money? Umm…selling light bulbs? No…putting tooth paste in tubes? No…putting “do not remove” signs on mattress? No…

Steve looks over and sees some kids sledding.




STEVE
I know! I can make sleds and sell them on Craig’s List!
I just need to find a flexible yet durable with which to create them with. Now where can I find something like that?

Cut to WS as Marlin puts a sign in the ground. Steve runs up and takes it out. Marlin puts another sign in, and Steve takes that out to. After Steve swipes a few signs, Marlin glances back and sees that some of the signs are stolen.
MARLIN
I do believe someone is swiping my political signs.

As Steve is swiping the signs, show this on the screen: “The makers of this film do not approve of the unauthorized removal and or extermination of political signs. Participating in such behavior will cause you to spend a great deal of time in the local cling-cling.”

Cut to:

SCENE 45 – LANDON DELIVERING PAPERS
LANDON is walking out the door, with a bag of papers over his shoulder.

BRENDA(his mom)
Good bye Landon! Be safe!

LANDON
Bye mom.

Landon jumps on his bike, and starts to deliver papers in the neighborhood by the Ruters. He tosses the papers on various driveways, then comes to the end of the street, where the old Ruter place is. He bikes down the driveway to the house. Paul(Mr. Ruter) and Martin(Grandpa Ruter) are sitting on chairs on the porch, just chillin’ out. Landon throws a paper into the bushes.

MARTIN
Hey! You there! Boy!

LANDON
(kinda scared)
Y-yeah?

MARTIN
Gimme that paper!

LANDON
W-What?

PAUL
He wants you to give it to him.

MARTIN
Have you been tossin’ all my papers into the bush?!

LANDON
Uhhh…huh?

PAUL
He’s wondering if you throw the paper into the bush every time.

LANDON
Uh, kinda…

MARTIN
Boy! You! Gimme all the papers you threw into the bush!


LANDON
Uhhh…
PAUL
He wants you to give him all the papers.

LANDON
Ok…

Landon goes over, digs around in the bush, and recovers a whole handful of papers, some of them a few years old. He brings them to Martin.

MARTIN
(reading the paper)
“Bush becomes president” Look, it says Bush is president. I didn’t even know that he was president, on account of you tossin’ my papers in the bush. “Dangerous criminal escapes from prison.”
How do you expect me to be kept up to date on everything, when your always tossin’ my papers in the bush?

LANDON
Uhhh…the internet?

MARTIN
Kids these days! Now git off my property! Git’! If I catch you tossin’ papers in my bush again, I’ll give ya a whoopin’.

LANDON
Wha…?

PAUL
He told you to leave.

LANDON
Oh. Bye.

Landon jumps on bike and speeds away in fast motion.


MARTIN
(to Paul)
What’s the internet?

Cut to:
SCENE 46 - ABANDONED BUILDING SCENE/BUBBA COLA SCENE
Steve is walking, then he sees the abandoned Save A Lot store.

STEVE
Wow! Another abandoned building!
Steve studies the building.

STEVE
Well, actually, it’s not completely abandoned; there’s a liquor store on one part of it.

Look building over again.
STEVE
Come to think of it, it practically is abandoned,
liquor is very hazardous to your health.

Steve looks thoughtfully at building for a little while.

STEVE
Hmm, come to think of it, I am a bit thirsty.

He heads over to the liquor store, and it looks like he’ll go in the door, but instead he bends down, picks up a quarter and heads over to a pop machine.
STEVE
(holding quarter up to camera)
It may not look like much, but you can buy a lot with a quarter!
I’m in the mood for some Bubba™!

He puts the quarter in the pop machine, and out pops a can of Bubba™.

STEVE
When the need for liquids becomes overwhelming,
You can always count on Bubba™ to satisfy your taste buds!
(takes a long sip)
Ahhh,,,,yum,yum,yum!
Good for your health, good for your wealth, and especially good for your kidney!

He walks off, then walks down side of road. Brian speeds up alongside him.
BRIAN
What are you doing?

STEVE
Drinkin’ Bubba™. It’s the best.

Brian reaches down and holds up a can of Bubba™.



BRIAN
It sure is!
(he opens can, then takes a long sip)
Ahhhh,,,,yum, yum, yum!

Camera zooms in on Brian.
BRIAN
When your feeling a little blue,
Just remember what Bubba™ can do for you!
(Take another sip)
Good for your hair, good for your toes, and especially good for your liver!
Cut back to Steve as he’s walking down road. He’s sees Brannon’s car driving past.
STEVE
Man I want that car!

Steve looks at his shovel.
STEVE
I’ll never save up enough money buy doing driveways, though…

Steve looks at can of pop.
STEVE
Especially if I keep buying this stuff.

Cut to:

SCENE 47 – STEVE SEE’S WANTED POSTER IN POST OFFICE
Steve is mailing a letter at the post office, and he sees a wanted poster of Jose Luciano. The poster says: “Wanted: Jose Luciano for selling bogus bulbs to people. If you see him call 555-5555.:

STEVE
I’ve seen that face before! I know I have! I don’t have a clue where, though…

Suddenly, a light bulb pops up above Steve’s head.

STEVE
Aha! That’s where I’ve him before! He sold me those bogus light bulbs!

Steve grabs light bulb right out of the thin air.

SCENE 48 – JOSE GETS ARRESTED
A cop slams Jose down on the hood of his car.

OFFICER SULLIVAN
Well, thanks a lot kid. You’ve done this community a heap of good by helping capture this bad guy.

STEVE
Do I get a reward of some kind?

OFFICER SUULLIVAN
Your reward is knowing that you helped make the world a better and brighter place to live in by stopping villains like Mr. Jose here.

STEVE
(bummed)
Oh.

OFFICER SULLIVAN
I do have a half eaten Crispy Kreme doughnut…

STEVE
I’ll take it!

Mr. Sullivan gives him the doughnut, and Steve eats it.

SCENE 49 – ICE RINK SCENE
SHOW WS of Ice with a covering of snow on the entire rink. Steve walks up with shovel.
STEVE
(speaking into camera)
Shoveling this rink for the city will be an easy way to make some dough.
Cut to WS of entire rink, with Steve slowly shoveling. It takes him for ever to shovel a section of ice two feet by six feet. Cut to various angles if him shoveling, of him wiping his brow. Finally, as he’s shoveling, he hears a noise behind him. A skid loader with a plow comes up behind him.
DRIVER
Get off the ice loser!

Steve starts to walk off the ice.

STEVE
Idiot!

Steve walks over to the warming house and tries the knob, but it’s locked. He sits down on the ramp leading up to the door, and pulls his skates out from under the ramp. He sits there awhile, waiting for the guy to get done clearing the rink. When the guy gets done, he tries to put the skates on. They are tight and don’t fit right, and he struggles with them for a few minutes. He finally puts one on, then sees the other one’s busted. So he has one skate on and one shoe on, and tries to skate. He keeps falling down and getting hurt.

STEVE
(speaking into camera)
Boy, the ice sure isn’t very good today.

Steve walks up to warming house and opens the door.

STEVE
Well, this is open now.

Steve goes in, takes his skates off, then leaves.

Marlin is talking to camera.

SCENE 50 – MARLIN BUYS A SLED
Marlin is looking at all the snow that is covering the ground.

MARLIN
Wow! Lots of snow this year. I really need some new sleds. I should check craig’s list see if they have any.

Marlin searches craig’s list and finds the sleds that were made from his political signs and buys a few.

Cut to Marlin outside sledding on a hill. Then zoom in as he gets up and walks up the hill.
MARLIN
Hey! this bottom material looks familiar.

Show Marlin turning it over.

MARLIN
These ARE my signs. Now I know where all my signs are going.

Cut to Christmas scene at Steve’s house.

Scene 50 – STEVE GOES TO McDONALD’S AT FIVE - Morning Steve’s bedroom
Steve is sleeping, when he gets awaken by alarm clock. He turns it off, and it’s about five in the morning. He quickly grabs his wallet, counts his cash, puts on some boots, mittens, coat, hat, then grabs a shovel and goes outside. Cut to WS of him leaving front door. Then cut to shots of a bunch of kids leaving their houses, also. Steve uses the shovel to knock a huge icicle from the roof, and he sucks on it as he’s walking down the street with the crowd. Show WS of 1 or 2 or 50 kids walking down street. They keep walking, and go up and down various streets. Finally, show CU of McDonald’s sign. All the kids walk into McDonalds. Show MS of all the kids standing in line, waiting to order their food. Standing in front of Steve is a kid who is like 1 or 2 or 6.6 feet tall.
STEVE
I’m hungry.

PETER
Hi hungry. I’m Peter.

STEVE
Whatever. Wow, your tall!

PETER
No, I’m not, I’m Peter.

STEVE
Yeah, that too, but wow, you are gimongous!

PETER
That is correct.

STEVE
How old are you?

PETER
I’m seventeen.


STEVE
Your only seventeen?

PETER
That is correct.

STEVE
I bet you must bang your head on the tops of door frames all the time.


PETER
No, actually I bend down.

STEVE
Did you come here to eat?

PETER
That is correct.

STEVE
How’s school going?

PETER
Great.

STEVE
I buy my tooth brushes on Craig’s List. I buy them used. That’s also where I buy my used tooth picks, dental floss, and Kleenexes. But I never, never buy used toilet paper on there.

PETER
You are sooo sick.

STEVE
I bought one particular tooth brush that I’m very happy with. The grip perfectly fits my hand grip, the bristles aren’t too stiff, and I wiped almost all the lip stick off the handle. It’s perfect.

Show Peter with a sick expression. Jon walks by Steve.

JON
I’m on the search for a bigger burger.

He walks off.
They continue random conversation for a while, then get their food. Peter gets an empty cup and fills it all the way with ketchup. They sit down at a table.
STEVE
This needs more sugar.

He grabs salt shaker and dumps it into his Mountain Dew.

PETER
You do know that’s salt, right?

STEVE
No, it’s sugar.
Steve takes a drink, then spits it out.

STEVE
Nasty! This tastes like carbonated shoe leather!

PETER
Yeahh! Go figure!

STEVE
Whatever.
Steve leaves, then comes back with sugar packets. He dumps all the packets into his Mountain Dew.
PETER
(raising eyebrows)
That’s different.

STEVE
You bet.

Brian pokes his head in the scene.
BRIAN
What are you doing?

STEVE
I’m drinking some…HEY! Why do you keep interrupting my movie!
Get lost.

BRIAN
That looks nasty.

STEVE
Get outta here!

BRIAN
What-evver!

They both finish their food.

PETER
Well, see ya. I gotta hang out with the mortals.

STEVE
Well, don’t get hit by the milk truck.

PETER
Don’t get squashed by the army tank.

STEVE
Don’t get stung by the killer bees.

PETER
WHAT?!

STEVE
Bye.

They both leave in different directions.
SCENE 52 – BRIAN READS TABLOID/STEVE CHASES BRIAN

Brian is sitting in his living room, reading the paper. He sees in the tabloid that it says cops are evil. He grabs his cell phone, and calls Steve.
BRIAN
(talking into phone)
Steve, guess what! I just read in the tabloid that cops really are fake! And since it’s in the tabloid, it’s gotta be true! This will be the perfect opportunity to get back at Jack!

Steven hears the “click” of Brian pulling the slide back on his gun.

STEVE
Brian! No! Wait…

BRIAN
Well, see ya. I gotta go!

STEVE
No!

Brian shoves his gun in his holster and runs out to his truck.

Cut to shot of Steve at home, holding phone.

STEVE
I can’t believe Brian still thinks cops are fake! I know they’re real, after my encounter with one! I gotta stop him before he does something drastic!

Steve runs out to the garage, where he jumps on an ancient looking bike kept together by duck tape and chewing gum.

STEVE
I got a pretty good idea of where Jack lives, but it’ll take a while to get there, unless…

He reaches into his back pocket, and grabs a can of monster.

STEVE
Monster Drink, Monster Power! When the going gets rough, you can always count on Monster to power you through!

Cut to shot of him cruising down the road passing cars. Cut to shot of Brian driving in his car, then back to shot of Steve, then back to Brian. Finally, Steve catches a glimpse of Brian’s distinctive looking truck with the “Priced Right” sign that sticks out like a sore thumb.

STEVE
His numbers on the back window! 227-4833.

Steve reaches into his pocket and pulls out his Motorola Razr. He calls Brian’s cell.
STEVE
Come on, answer!

Cut to shot of Brian rolling down the road, with his XM Radio blaring, and his phone sitting on the seat, ringing, but Brian can’t hear it due to the thunderous velocity at which the harmonious melody is emancipating from the music console.

STEVE
He’s not answering! The Monster drink isn’t working! I need to get AMPed up!

He reaches back and grabs a can of AMP. He guzzles it down, and peddles furiously toward Brian. He reaches into his back pocket and grabs a Universal Remote.
STEVE
Let’s see if this thing works on Brian’s truck!

He starts pushing buttons, and his horn honks, his radio starts switching channels, his mirrors fold in, his seat goes down, and finally the windows go down and up. Steve puts the rear window down, then bikes up to Brian’s truck, jumps in the pickup, and climbs in the window. Steve rolls the window up, then reaches over and taps Brian on the shoulder.
BRIAN
AHHHHHHHHHH! What are you thinking?!!!
(turning around)
How’d you get in here?

STEVE
I came through the window. Brian, you can’t go through with it!

BRIAN
Through with what?

STEVE
What you were gonna do to Jack!

BRIAN
Throw a brick threw his window with a message on it?

STEVE
That’s all you were gonna do?

BRIAN
Yeah, what did you think I was gonna do?

STEVE
Ah, shoot em’ in the head?

BRIAN
How stupid do you think I am?

STEVE
But that’s not the point! Cops are not evil.

BRIAN
Yes they are. I read it in a tabloid. That means it’s true.


STEVE
No it doesn’t! Cops are real! I got arrested by one!

BRIAN
Oh. This changes everything.

Steve suddenly remembers his bike.

STEVE
My BIKE!

Cut to shot of bike laying on road. A big truck comes up, and with horn blaring, smashes the bike to bits. Cut back to truck.

STEVE
Quick! Turn around! We gotta pick the bike up before someone hits it!

BRIAN
You expect me to turn this thing around and go back to pick your old beater-bike up?
STEVE
Yeah! You need to! Those are my only wheels!

BRIAN
Your gittin’ out n’ walkin’.

STEVE
Oh well, the bikes probably toast anyways.

Cut back to shot of bike getting completely obliterated by passing autos.

BRIAN
Fine. You’ll probably want me to bring the pieces back to your place to.

STEVE
Who said the bike was in pieces?

Cut to shot of Steve shoveling pieces of bike into truck.

STEVE
See, this is precisely why I need a full time job: I need money for a new bike!

BRIAN
Wee-lll… I could maybe get you a part time job.

STEVE
Shoveling driveways?

BRIAN
No.

STEVE
Oh. What then?

BRIAN
Workin’ for me. I need a part time helper for my company. I figured, since you need my money, and we don’t have much snow, you could help me out.


STEVE
I would never work for a company called “Priced Right!”
(pause)
On second thought, I DO really need the money…

BRIAN
Good. I’ll pick you up Monday.

They both get in truck and drive off.

SCENE 53 - MR. BOBO IN BANK SCENE
Mr. Bobo walks into a bank and goes up to the teller. As he’s talking, show this on screen: “Mr. Bobo is a fictitious character.”

MR. BOBO
I need to know how much money I got in my bank account.

ASHLEY
I don’t even know who you are. Who are you?

MR. BOBO
Oh. I’m Mr. Bobo. I’m sure you’ve heard of me before. I’m actually quite famous in some parts of the earth. I’m twenty-five, although I don’t like mayonnaise.

Ashley hands him a slip of paper. He grabs it.

MR. BOBO
(like really happy)
I’m rich! I’m rich! I have a million bucks!
Oh yeah! I knew I didn’t like mayonnaise!

As Mr. Bobo is shouting, show CU of people looking at Mr. Bobo weirdly. Cut to WS as Mr. Bobo is shouting for joy.

The bank teller reaches over and flips the paper over.

MR. BOBO
Oh. That stinks. I guess I knew that this was too good too be true.

Mr. Bobo leaves the bank.

SCENE 54 – STEVE WRAPS THINGS UP

STEVE
Well, this has been pretty much my best holiday season ever. I learned a lot. I learned the value of hard work, and that giving is ten and a half times better than receiving. I also learned that cops aren’t bad after all. They really are out there to protect you, to arrest the bad guys, and to keep the doughnut shops in business.

Brian pops into scene.
BRIAN
What ev-er!

STEVE
Well, all in all, I learned a lot.
As he’s speaking, slowly zoom camera back. As he says last line, you see a cup of hot chocolate sitting on table that says “Official Left handers mug.” There’s a hole on the front of the cup. He reaches down, pick’s up the cup, and holds it up to his mouth. As he tips it back, hot chocolate streams out of the hole, landing on his lap. Zoom into his face really fast.
STEVE
OK, maybe I didn’t learn that much after all.

CUT! Roll credits! Movies over!

As credits are rolling, the actors will appear and say funny lines.

Jose Luciano in jail.
JOSE
Remember boys and kids watching this film: Don’t sell bogus bulbs to people. I did it, and it landed me in the cling-cling for a very long time.
Camera zooms back, and he picks up an MLB baseball, grabs a marker, and signs Barry Bonds on the ball.
JOSE
Look! I’m signing Barry Bonds name on this ball! I’ll make a killing by selling it on Craig’s List!

Pierce standing in front of tree lots.

PIERCE
Remember, all you boys and babies watching this film: If you get lost as your out and about, don’t pout and shout; keep your parents near, and you’ll have no fear!

Ben is at the library, holding a thesaurus.

BEN
The numerous terminology and axioms enclosed in this piece of literature are exceptionally beneficial to the augmentation of your vocabulary to the extent that it is possible to carry on a conversation for an exceedingly extended period of time.

Mr. Sullivan is sitting in cop car, eating a doughnut.

COP SULLIVAN
We keep Krispy Kreme in business.

Steve is shoveling a driveway.

STEVE
And this is too all you little folks living in the upper Midwestern portion of the United States: The winter is a great time to make a little extra dough shoveling driveways for people.

Jon is standing in front of a restaurant.

JON
Look at me! I eat out for every meal every day. And I’m still as thin as a stick.

Joe and Mitch are both standing by their bike jump.

JOE
Whenever you ride your bike, always wear a helmet.

Show shot of Joe speeding on bike without helmet.

MITCH
And never attempt to do jumps on your bikes. That’s only for professionals.

Show shot of Mitch going off huge jump without helmet.

Show shot of Marlin in front of State Capital.

MARLIN
Remember to vote, like your life depends on it!

Jeff is covered in fake blood.

JEFF
All the real holly wood movies have lots of blood! But it’s always fake. I know the recipe to make a great big batch of it: 1 or 2 or 201 drops of red food coloring, a bunch of water, some corn starch, and toothpaste.

AJ at McDonalds.

AJ
Flipping burgers all day at a joint like this can get very boring. That’s why I listen to this!

He pulls up an iPod.
AJ
It’s called an iPod. I buyed this one on Craig’s List for about 1 or 2 or 93 dollars.

Brian is standing by truck.
BRIAN
(fake crying)
Why do I let people put me through this!

STEVE
Cuz there’s big bucks involved.

BRIAN
Ohhh!

The Celebrated Concrete Frog of Golaya Pristan

Stephen Anderson

 

The small town of Golaya Pristan in the Ukraine has just erected a giant, five hundred pound statue to celebrate the town’s two hundred and ninety-ninth anniversary. This is not peculiar in itself, and hardly constitutes as news. The odd part is the subject of the sculpture: a frog. Why did this town pay to erect a giant concrete frog? Does the local high school have a frog as their team mascot? Is there some folklore in the town’s history that has to do with frogs? Is there a great frog researcher in the history of the town? The answer to these questions is no. The reason that town officials created this monument was because they wanted to “Keep up with the Joneses.”

            Several weeks ago, a neighboring village created a smaller frog statue made out of bronze. Some Pristans were of the opinion that the bronze statue was a bit too flashy, and this spurred Pristan civic leaders to construct their parody. The spokesperson for the city claimed, "The one [the frog statue] in Golaya Pristan belongs to ordinary people and therefore is made of concrete,"

            Taxpayers of the city are confused as to why the city blew their tax dollars on such a frivolous pursuit. Local talk radio is abuzz with debates on the subject. One local woman named Natalia Slivka griped, “What on earth has a frog got to do with our town? And why have they put up a massive statue using taxpayers' money the mark the town's 299th anniversary?”

"God knows what they will unveil next year for the 300th anniversary - a one-tonne statue of a lizard or something. Someone at the city council must have been drunk or mad when they dreamt up this idea."

            This only goes to show that the United States is not the only nation in the world guilty of frivolous spending.

 

Sources:

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_3030265.html

the Miscke broadcast AM 1500 KSTP 10/2/08 Hour 2